I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
