So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
