this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
