Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize
