im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
