I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
