Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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