I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
COCAINE IS GR8
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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