It's like God shit irony all over that family
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
