You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
