If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
