I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
