I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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