Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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