I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
