ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I smell stomach acid.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
