I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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