I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
