i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
