I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
