I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
