I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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