did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize