her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
