Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
