Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
