You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
