he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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