I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
