The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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