i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
