you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
