Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
