and next time when you feel me up, do it right
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
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Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
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I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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