i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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