If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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