We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
