i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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