i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Let's paint friendship bongs
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
