I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I licked your asshole in confidence.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
