Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
