I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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