How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
