I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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