your thong is hanging out like whoa
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
