The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
