Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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