hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
