I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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