I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
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