just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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