Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
