Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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