I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
