if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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