the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Dick very happy bro
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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