Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
