oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
