i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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