our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
