I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
